Fine in Finland

The following is a broadcast transcript

Now the news from Lapland, Finland

 

“I’m here with Mrs. Rose Shapiro…”

“Mrs. George Shapiro, honey.”

“Right, Mrs. George Shapiro, a widow from Brooklyn, New York who, along with her son, David, have been touring the Scandinavian countries…”

“And Finland, too, honey.”

“Yes, and Finland, which is a Scandinavian country….”

“My son, David, Dr. David Shapiro, honey.  Go on, you’re doing fine.”

“Yes, thank you for your support, Mrs. Shapiro.  The Shapiros were visiting Lapland, in particular, the city of Rovaniemi, only 10 km South of the Arctic Circle.  Both Mrs. Shapiro and  Dr. David Shapiro, took a tour to the Guest Camp 5 km inside the Circle.  Both mother and son were in the dining solarium marveling at the scenery when a Polar Bear blocked their field of vision.  Mrs. Shapiro was so surprised she began screaming, someone took a photo with a flash that startled the bear and the bear mauled a nearby vehicle.  A Ranger was called who successfully led the bear out of the area by pulling behind his vehicle several ropes.  At the end of each were the bloody viscera of various wild animals.  Although no one was hurt, except the mauled Volkswagen, Mrs. Shapiro was charged with inciting a riot by an off-duty, Lapland Arctic Patrol Officer, also known as a LAPO, the owner of the nearly destroyed Volkswagen.

Back again in Rovaniemi, at their Hotel, Rantasippi Oy, Mrs. Shapiro was given a summons to appear before the Magistrate the following day. The case for inciting a riot was denied, but Mrs. Shapiro did have to pay a fine for smoking a cigarette within the Arctic Circle–a no smoking area. The LAPO was denied restitution for his Volkswagen by the City.  Mrs. Shapiro was so sympathetic and so kind, she bought the officer another vehicle.”

“Mrs. Shapiro, the story of your generosity preceded you here to Oulu.  What would you like to say about that?”

“You are so sweet, honey.  I can’t tell you how nice you people are in Finland.  There’s no comparison.  I could understand how the officer was so upset about his car.  I don’t take it personally.  My husband, Mr. George Shapiro, may he rest in peace, would do the same.  Right, David?  And to find out the officer couldn’t get reimbursed for his VW?  So I cleared it with the Judge, and got that man another car.  This time, no little VW.  He has a truck with some teeth.  I had no idea that there’s such a thing as an Arctic truck.  Who knew?  And they are made here in Finland, too, and so the truck costs about what he’d have to pay for a German VW.  You know those Germans.  Penny pinchers.  That President of theirs, ah, ah…Merkel, really tightens the purse strings.  Right, David?  It seems all of this neck of the woods here is doing better than the States.  We can’t blame it all on Obama.  He walked into a mess.  But, that half-assed Obamacare? What was he thinking?”

“Yes, well, what was it like facing a Polar Bear with only a wall of glass between you?”

“Oh, honey.  I could only think of my son, here.  What would he do without me?  But that Ranger with the bloody animal parts he towed behind.  Brilliant.  I was afraid he was going to shoot the poor thing.  I believe, and so did Mr. Shapiro, that all creatures have a right to live. Except that Charlie Manson. Lethal injection would be too good for him.  Do you have the death penalty in Finland, honey?”

“No, we do not.”

“Yeah.  The more I travel, the less I see of the death penalty, especially in Europe.  Hey, there you go.  Was a long time Europe hanged people, cut off their heads–no questions asked. So, when Europe gets a  little feisty about the States still executing murderers, we should remind them that not so long ago people were executed in heinous fashion without even a fair hearing.  I mean, people were burned alive if they heard God speak to them.  Look at poor Joan of Arc, poor thing.  Abraham, even Noah, would’ve been put to death for hearing God speak.  Can you imagine?  Without Abraham–no Jews, or Arabs.  Without Noah–everybody else would’ve drowned. Anything else, honey?  Are you single?”

“Y…yes.  What did you find to be the best experience for you and your son here in Finland?”

“Oh, that’s easy.  It’s a pretty country and the people are so nice.  But going to Lapland and seeing all those reindeer and going to the Arctic Circle.  The Aurora Borealis, Santa Claus. icebergs, Polar Bear, seals.  So much going on in this country.  So much to see.  We’re on our way to Norway, next, then back to Israel, where David lives.  We’re going to stay at one of those fancy resorts on the Dead Sea.  So, are you seeing anyone, sweetheart?  My David is single. Right now he lives in a Kibbutz, but he is a medical doctor–a physician.”

“Ha ha.  Well, thank you, Mrs. George Shapiro and Dr. David Shapiro.  It has been a pleasure.  Enjoy the rest of your travels.

“Good bye, sweetie.  David, say good-bye to the pretty reporter.  You did a good job, honey.  I understood everything you said in English.  Didn’t you, David…?”

“Albin, how long ago did you turn off the camera?”

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Mrs. George Shapiro has been in the news before.  Click on The mystery of man’s fall.  The characters in this story are fictional.  If Mrs. Shapiro resembles anyone familiar, it would be my mother.

Seen in Lapland Hotel (card in bathroom)

Help us to save water.  If you need fresh towel, throw yourself on the floor.  If you don’t need fresh towel, hang yourself.